LOVE: Valentines Day is Gay
If you are hetero, you can still read the following passage and get some great gift ideas. Same for the single people out there. And none of your bros will think you're a fag for reading this - unless of course you are - in which case you didn't watch the Super Bowl last night, like me. I hope that team won - you know, the one with the helmets and stuff...
Valentine's Day is approaching... er... encroaching! It's a surprise that the conservative powers-that-be haven't outlawed Queers celebrating VDay - since most of us can't actually prove we are in love through a costly and daunting, state-sanctified, ceremony of governmental approval. Thank god!
If you are still single and sick of your parents asking when you will deliver them their grandchildren, use this day to come out of the closet, even if you're not gay. (At least it'll get them off your back for a while - and then when you do fulfill the godly-destiny, they'll be that much more excited to know the 'gay thing' was just a phase. Thank god! Again!)
Three Stupid Ideas for a Stupid Holiday (read this if you're single and bitter)
1. Send out a fake family photo. Photshop your head into the most disturbing Google-searched family photo you can find and send it to all your friends and family (FYI, that's my head, not my body or baby or wife or creepy pool-birth-scenario). Like so:
2. Send a custom card or message, like so:
3. Call your Ex.
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Three Ideas for the Well-Adjusted, Happy, Single Person
1. Get a friggin' massage already! No one wants to hear your knot clicking. The men's spa at Nickel is pretty dope.
2. Take a yoga class at Javamukti and be at peace.
3. Sex toys for men? Yes indeed. Take this day to love yourself. Buy a sex toy and go at it with the person who knows your body best - you! Check out Babeland for the best sex toys in a totally inviting and professional-ish environment. You can even get vegan latex products and eco-friendly vibrators.
If you're not in New York, check out The Sensual Vegan for online toy shopping, or for more leather-like gear see VeganErotica.com for the best selection that you can have delivered by Vday without the dead cow skin!
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Three Ideas to Get Your Stupid Girlfriend or Boyfriend or Transfriend or Partner or Spouse or Whatever.
1. Chocolate never fails. Unless it's filled with pus. So stick to the vegan chocolate.
2. Romantic dinner.
Prepare it yourself with this amazing cookbook (and don't forget the candles). Check out the amazing soy-wax candles at 'A Scent of Scandal'.
...or go to the most amazing vegan, gourment restaurant on the Upper Eeat Side, Candle 79.
3. Adopt a fuzzy friend for your lover from the shelter, or a farm animal from Farm Sanctuary! 
then make spring-time reservations to go visit your new animal-friend on a romantic weekend-stay at Farm Santuray in Cali or New York State.
